Sunday, November 16, 2014

Why?

Why is it so hard to do something so easy?  I mean it is simple, right?  You are careful about what you eat.  Don't indulge too much and don't limit yourself too much.  But if it were so simple, I wouldn't be in the predicament that I am in.  I wouldn't be 100 or so pounds overweight.  I wouldn't be so unhappy with myself.  So why is it so hard?!

I was watching The Biggest Loser the other day and Dolvett was telling someone that you need to figure out what is going on in your head before you can have any success in keeping weight off.  I need to be nicer to myself and don't say horrible things about me. 

Why do I have a weight problem?  The answer is not so easy.  I don't have any tragic stories of  a horrible childhood or abusive relationships.  I think I just like to eat and then it got out of control. I have come up with a list of all the little things that contributed to my gaining 100 lbs over the last 10 years.  I am hoping this is the beginning of my healing process.

1. I got married and I gave up on me.  I went through a phase during college and the first couple of years after when I gained some weight, but I started working out and eating better.  I lost the weight, and I looked GOOD!  I met my husband and things moved quickly. We were engaged within 6 months and I packed my bags and moved to the big city of Atlanta!  I didn't have a job right away, so that was stressful. After a year we were finally married.  I stopped working out.  We ate out a lot.  We bought a house soon after.  Then the babies started coming!!

2. The babies.  I had my first son in 2006, my daughter in 2008, and my youngest daughter in 2010.   There are 3 1/2 years between my oldest and youngest.  You could say I was am a bit stressed.  There were so many sleepless nights, so many diapers, so many bottles, so many tantrums.  I just gave up on me.  It was all about the babies.  It is STILL all about the babies.  Now they are ages 8, 6, 5.  They are involved in a lot of stuff.  Every night there is somewhere that one of them needs to be.  It is exhausting!! 

3. Work.  Did I mention that I also work a full time job as a Kindergarten teacher.  Not sure I need to elaborate more on that.  I come home exhausted EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Oh, and our teachers lounge has lots of sweets in it on a consistent basis.  Chocolate, cookies, cakes, chips, dips.  And I eat it.  Lots of it.  I think about the food while I am down in my classroom.  My mouth waters thinking about the food.  I have a problem.

4. Lack of sleep.  I am a night owl.  I stay up late, but not too late.  Most of the time I go to bed between 10 and 12.  But my alarm is going off at 5:15.  I come home from work and I am exhausted, but I can't rest.  Like I said before we have activities, dinner to cook, bedtime routines. 

5. After the above mentioned night time routines I plopped down on the couch and tuned out in front of the TV.  LAZY.

6. I know my husband loves me and I love him.  I also know that my husband is not attracted to me.  This makes me sad.  He never says anything mean to me about it.  But his actions show me plenty.  My husband is very fit and works out a lot.  He doesn't seem to understand why I don't.  He tells me all the time how easy it is.  Just do it.  And I agree.  It is so easy, but why can't I do it?  He has been sleeping on the couch the last several months.  Apparently I snore.  A lot.